She never stops...

Its crazy how i started this blog to pure out whats on my heart that i dont and sometimes wont even tell my friends, but now im even keeping things from my own blog. I just keep adding things to my already overstuffed heart and pretend that everythings fine. Today my mother hurt me so bad that i told her that one day she would come home and see me hanging from the doorway....it was so sad...i never considered the idea of taking my own life until this morning. I took all of my friends advice today and it back fired...it just goes to show that i do know my mother more than what people think. I really broke down today and im still going through some of the emotions. sighs*...and even after telling her all that was on my heart she still didnt respond like i wanted her to...no i'm sorry...nothing....she didnt even pull the car over, i just sat there and let the tears just roll down my face in silence. I still dont know what i couldve done to make her be so cold to me. I was so sick this morning and she thought i was faking...she always thinks that im trying to get out of my chorous...and even with me throwing up and on my knees i still did everthing she wanted me to do. I even walked 20mins back home because she locked the keys in the car and she yelled at me because she said i distracted her. I want a mother...not a care taker. She always throws things that shes bought me in my face...but shes doesnt give me the emotional support. I guess raising a boy first made her this way. I even mustarded enough courage that shes worse than my grandmother, and my grandmother is pretty cold. sighs*..okay i feel alittle better

Todayyyy

First off...let me say....I am so happy that the new Top Model is Namai. I was hopping she would win. So in other news...i havent blog in a while but im just going to talk about current stuff. Like how im not going to Kent State ne more. I know its a shock but i think im making the right decision as far as my career is concerned. I'll just have to go to kent state at a later time. But i start my classes on June 14 and im going to be crazy busy with all this other crap like driving school. Yes im going to learn how to drive ASAP. I need to...then i need a job and insurance. But i think after i get settled with my classes then i could learn how to drive...but I dont start my interships until 6-8 weeks so i'll have enough time in between those to work on that. Then i could get a job...yyaayy. Ne who.. i have a neice now she was born last saturday at 3 somethin in the morning. Im happy i guess. Welll ima wrap this up i have things to do...busy busy busy.

To Much

Should I or Shouldnt I....thats all i have to say about that little issue. Anyway...prom is in a couple of days..yay. The only thing im stressin about is after prom festivities...reason being that i really dont care what we do after as long as im with nelson...its not even about the whole third wheel thing because carra and terrance arent together anymore or so they say and plus im use to hangin out with them anyway...but *whispers* im having nelson withdrawls...and no i dont have it bad so dont even think it. I mean its not so bad that i wanna see my friend is it? I dont know what it is, he just has this...something that u have to be around...and since its prom night i just wanna have fun and i know how carra can get when its "fun" time so yea. Any way...umm im tired...really tired...my life choices are getting blury, not my career choices but college. I mean at first it was all kent kent kent, but now im kinda wonderin if thats where i wanna go. And its the money thing to. So maybe i should stay here take my basic classes here get a job save my money and then possibly transfer everything unless my calling changes. Im praying on it...and i know its going to take awhile for those prayers to be answered because i dont talk to the father upstairs to often, but i am praying. In other news im gorgeous...my head is reallll big right now i'll have to admit that...every since i got my lil head done ive been getting even more attention. But im handling....not that big of a deal...ok wraping this up..nightt

My last Month

I cant believe this is my last month of high school. I mean at first time went really slow but now i cant seem to slow it down...WHY WONT IT SLOW DOWN!! I think im going to miss high school, i dont know, im really confused about college right now because i cant afford the college that i want to go to and i really dont want to take a year off. I dont know what i wanna do anymore. My whole focus has been on prom and graduation. And there both so close. Sighs* i just want to enjoy my life day by day instead of stressing about what my come ahead for myself. I just dont want to live with my mom anymore. I know that for sure, im definatly going to check out my old telemarketing job tomorrow. I reallllllyyyyy need a job. Im in debt with my own self. Plus its really quick money. Weelll in other news though im ready for prom...im just a lil sketchy about after prom, my bstfriend really wants to get a hotel but shes with her ex and i dont understand why she wants to get a hotel so bad, i hope she doesnt regret anything. I mean im down for whatever really, im just iunno, i really wanna go clubin but then again shes not 18 so the clubs i want to go to she cant get in. Anyyy way...so umm yea i have another blog now so its just for my poetry or free style verses what ever rhymes off the top of my head really. Man i hope this makes sense because i dont feel like reading over it or spell checking it. Anywho im going to go work on my autobiography for class tomorrow...sadly.