My own counseling

I did a lot of thinking...and crying....and thinking....and well you get the point...and unlike other teens that have boyfriend and girlfriend problems and being in and out of love, my problems are mostly a combination of my child hood and the relationship with my mom. Its crazy because as many times that ive told my child run away story, I've never told anyone why I ran away. I just give the excuse of "I just really wanted to go with my mom those days". But even as I write this I cant even write what has happened to me. I mean some people draw there conclusion but its more than just the issue at home. Like I said a build up of problems. Now unlike my brother I wasn't able to get the one on one attention from my mom, and I still haven't. I mean I think Sunday when we go to the laundry mat is the only time we might have together, not shopping no distractions, just sitting there waiting for the beeps to take the clothes from the washer and into the dryers. And as a child I was always told to grow up, I had to, no real reason of why, it was just time to be a big girl. My cousin that I sometime had to stay with, which is also another part of my problems always took the dolls that I played with and told me constantly that I had to grow up. I wish that at some point of those years that I was more open and told my mom what was going on, but now that im older the problems have manifested and grown and I cant even be in a stable relationship with someone. I think....I know that if im able to tell her ALL the things that have happened to me that I could have a better relationship with people outside of my family. Its just some many things that I would like to tell her, but seeing that she stresses a lot, most of it due to my brother, I wouldn't want to be the child that told her something that would break her heart because I kept it from her for so long. Its not that I kept it from her intentionally, shes not and easy person to talk to and I think im afraid that she will tell me that all the things that have happened to me were my fault. I mean I already believe that. sighs* it really hurts because sometimes friends just don't cut it, its not the same to be able to cry in ur mothers arms and know that everything will be okay, with friends u just know that there consoling you because as your friend its there obligation. I've also realized that since I hate to see my mother worry ive also made it a habit to not tell people my problems that really bother me because I don't want them to worry about me either. I don't like giving people a reason to worry. I really wish I could talk to my mother, I wish she didn't judge me so much or draw conclusions so quickly, I just want her to listen. Ive tried to block most of this issues but of course they always come back. I don't want to end up talking to my mothers grave, telling her I wish I could told you these thing while u were alive...but of course I'll write this and things wont change, I'll still tell her everyday how I cant talk to her because she doesn't listen and it'll be a cycle that will continue. And when I meet another guy and he wonders why im so cold and never open up I'll just think about how ive never been able to talk to my mother about the good or bad.