aaawwwwwww

Jay came to visit me...he's like the only guy that i can really talk to while i'm pmsing...other guys either just piss me off or dont know that im pmsing and say things that just get under my skin. Wait...why arent we together...oh because im going to college, yea but anyway i got the best back massage and feel asleep right on his chest while he watched ladder 49, i watched it already so i didnt miss much. We know our limits, thats what i like about our relationship, its like were open, we flirt, joke around, and he tells me about his lil hoochies *he hates it when i call them that* and i tell him about the current guy(s) im talking to. I felt good, i mean i felt good yesturday when i called him and talked about all the stuff that was going on you know u read the last post, and i felt even better today. lol...we still have our deal that who ever makes it to the broadcasting business first we'll make sure to look out for the other one. I was really happy to see him...it was a relief. I wish i could see him more often but with school and his hoochies i fit in just right. He knows just when to call...like he has this sense when im sick or in trouble or sad...and i still dont know how he does it. Any way i showed off my prom gown and cap and gown...had to do some major catching up since most of our convo yesturday was just about calming me down. Speaking of cap and gown i got it today, i felt so over whelm. i cant believe im graduating. Ive been planing this day since 1998, thats when my brother graduated. Yea but me and jay have this bond that i really cant describe, i wouldnt say were like sister and brothers, were just best friends, to bad he cant make it to my graduation. Anywayy i wrote a couple of poems in the past couple of days, so i'll probably post those up soon. Ohhh i met the girl thats going to do my hair friday for prom. Shes pretty. Shes and actress, like she does that for a living. I was a little shocked myself, and way shes reall coo and 19 she graduated in 03 so she knows what im going through as far as prom and graduation. ANNNYYY WAY...ima wrap this up have to wash my hair, shout out to my boy jay keep up the good work in college and stop doin yo work at the last min...damn "i do my best when i procrasinate" rrrrrrriiggggghtttttt, im not always gone be able to help u. Anyway im gone.

My own counseling

I did a lot of thinking...and crying....and thinking....and well you get the point...and unlike other teens that have boyfriend and girlfriend problems and being in and out of love, my problems are mostly a combination of my child hood and the relationship with my mom. Its crazy because as many times that ive told my child run away story, I've never told anyone why I ran away. I just give the excuse of "I just really wanted to go with my mom those days". But even as I write this I cant even write what has happened to me. I mean some people draw there conclusion but its more than just the issue at home. Like I said a build up of problems. Now unlike my brother I wasn't able to get the one on one attention from my mom, and I still haven't. I mean I think Sunday when we go to the laundry mat is the only time we might have together, not shopping no distractions, just sitting there waiting for the beeps to take the clothes from the washer and into the dryers. And as a child I was always told to grow up, I had to, no real reason of why, it was just time to be a big girl. My cousin that I sometime had to stay with, which is also another part of my problems always took the dolls that I played with and told me constantly that I had to grow up. I wish that at some point of those years that I was more open and told my mom what was going on, but now that im older the problems have manifested and grown and I cant even be in a stable relationship with someone. I think....I know that if im able to tell her ALL the things that have happened to me that I could have a better relationship with people outside of my family. Its just some many things that I would like to tell her, but seeing that she stresses a lot, most of it due to my brother, I wouldn't want to be the child that told her something that would break her heart because I kept it from her for so long. Its not that I kept it from her intentionally, shes not and easy person to talk to and I think im afraid that she will tell me that all the things that have happened to me were my fault. I mean I already believe that. sighs* it really hurts because sometimes friends just don't cut it, its not the same to be able to cry in ur mothers arms and know that everything will be okay, with friends u just know that there consoling you because as your friend its there obligation. I've also realized that since I hate to see my mother worry ive also made it a habit to not tell people my problems that really bother me because I don't want them to worry about me either. I don't like giving people a reason to worry. I really wish I could talk to my mother, I wish she didn't judge me so much or draw conclusions so quickly, I just want her to listen. Ive tried to block most of this issues but of course they always come back. I don't want to end up talking to my mothers grave, telling her I wish I could told you these thing while u were alive...but of course I'll write this and things wont change, I'll still tell her everyday how I cant talk to her because she doesn't listen and it'll be a cycle that will continue. And when I meet another guy and he wonders why im so cold and never open up I'll just think about how ive never been able to talk to my mother about the good or bad.

Okkkk...

How about a fruitarian...Thats what i shall be. Ive been working on my nutrian...looking for new way of eating. The foods that i have been eating have been slowing me down and making me sick. When i fasted a while back i kind of shouldve taken that time to find a new way of eating instead i went back to the same way. But i think by being a fruitarian it will be the healthest for me especailly since im going to college. Anywhhhoo...ive been thinking alot about little..well big things...as far as the people i surround myself with and i should really be more picky. Iunnoo...i think its just the pms talking...either way im taking a break from people in general. I need to step back and write down a more detailed plan for myself. Its really getting close to graduation and i just dont wanna be assed out. I dont want to be stuck living in a fantasy. I think i should pursue my first dream no matter whayt. I mean my visions are becoming clearer and im just wondering about the people that ive become attached to especially my bestfriend. Like i dont want to lose touch with her...but i think if anything is meant to be then it wont go anywhere. Its better things out there for me and i just have to do whats best for me instead of trying to please everyone else. Which is a very big habbit. Like the only real reason i chose to stay in ohio for college wasnt just because we can afford it but because of my friends...but since kent is a good school i shouldnt have any regrets. But i could be in NC furthering my education with a 10,000 scholarship. All these decisions are stressing me and thats where my eating habits come in at. If i start eating healther then maybe i can make clearer decisions about my life....anyway im just jabbering on not really touching whats really on my mind. Well..i'll wrap this up...

Yeaa these things again...i was bored

You Are 50% Normal (Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

ADENA
A	is for	Artistic
D	is for	Delicate
E	is for	Earnest
N	is for	Natural
A	is for	Artistic

What Does Your Name Mean?

You Belong in 1972

1972 If you scored... 1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in! 1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too. 1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all! 1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day. 1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good!

What Year Do You Belong In?

You Are the Individualist

4 You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

What number are you?

You Are 18 Years Old

18 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Dont Freak

Its only been a week since my last post. So far i got my dress and my shoes and my purse YYAAAYY!!! The only problem is that we might not have a prom because there isnt alot of people buying tickets inwhich covers the price of the place that we're renting (hard rock cafe'). I mean if i dont go to prom i would be disapointed but im really just looking forward to graduating. Thats on the top of my list right now. Any who...so i havent found anything wrong with ndoe** yet*. I mean im not looking for things about him to bother me im just alittle suprise that ive gone this long and not found anything about him that i dont like or that has gotten on my nerves. I guess its just the fact that he always has a smile on my face. Thats where alot of guys fall short at. Its like there funny in the beinging but then once we take that big step to being"boyfriend and girlfriend" then things get all serious and touchy. Sometimes its just the fact that we jump in the "relationship" so fast that they dont get to know my serious like but funny personality and they get offended when i say a joke about them. Thats like part of the reason why alot of my relationships dont work. Guys dont understand that i just wanna have fun. Im young im not going anywhere so why tie me down. Its about being confident. I think guys should know or find out there place in my heart because aparently i give off the wrong signals at times...but anyway im getting way off topic. I really enjoyed my time with ndoe yesturday and today though. Especially yesturday because of the bus ride wwayy out to a shoping center, where i need to exchange my shoes and get a purse. And today when i was kickin it with him at his house....for the first time i didnt feel pressured to take off my clothes. It was really something that i can get use to. But anywayy like i was sayin I guess thats another thing that guys dont understand about me. I mean first off im not materialistic so buying me clothes and concert tickets is not going to make me the happiest girl. Its the little things like walking around the mall window shoping, or going out to a park or just chillin watchin a movie. Those are the things that make my time with that particular momment worth being there and remebering it. But anyway that was the best time ive had since i was with my ex jason. I think if the guys i went out with would just remeber my birthday and places i might be performing at then i wouldnt have a problem being in a relationship. Those are the tings that i figured that im actually judging guys with...just the amount of time they spend with me and how much they can make me laugh. Im not in need of attention 24/7. Just as long as time is spent then im coo. I kinda like the fact that the time i took off from guys and so called relationships, i was able to learn more about what i want in a guy. But yeaaaa i really enjoyed my self with ndoe**. SO in other none mushy news...yesturday was my big brother birthday so happy birthday big brother even though u dont read my blog atleast i hope he doesnt and even thought ur birthday was a few days ago happy birthday to u too kevin. Sooooo ima wrap this up and hopefully it'll go through instead of the last time when i had type all this stuff and it didnt even go through so ima just copy it so if it does do it again i can just paste and try to post it again.

OK OK

So me and nelson kind of had our moment.... kind of. okay the thing is i dont want to rush things. I kinda wanna savor the moment so it can last longer. I mean if we're both feeling that feeling then why ruin it with questions and expressions...sometimes u have to just go with the flow and when it comes to that moment then thats when things take off. U cant force the moment...well anyway i kinda wanted to ask him to take me to my prom since my bestfriend doesnt want to go anymore and i really just dont want to go by my self and i just think that going with him will be an overall good idea...BUT...its so last min...and i want US to look OUR best. This is my only moment and i want people to remeber it well just as i plan to. now this other character...jay...yea hes finally gettin the picture about how im just not feelin him. Im really not feeling to many guys right now except for..lol...well u know. Anyway so my bstf carra thinks that hes the one for me...and i kinda believe her. But i just dont wanna rush things. Everytime things go fast they end just as fast. So since my little 2yr break from guys im trying something new to see if it will last... I mean tell me whats wrong with being friends but knowing that we both have some feeling for each other...it just makes things even better.

But in other news...i still have to write my 10pg paper...and the draft is due this friday which is horrible because i have to present next monday and i havent gotten it edited by anyone so my paper will be fresh off the press with mistakes and all. But as long as i know i put my bst foot foward then my grade shouldnt be to bad. Nooowww in other other news...i joined this program that deals with acting and performing and right now im learning how to play the bucket. Its really fun because its like a drum and were coming up with all these wonderful steps and beats and we're going to have our first performance this thursday so i'll tell u how that all went. i think i covered everything just stay posted.

Ugh

I cant believe my brother brought his pregnant "girlfriend" to the IX center. OMG...that girl was so ghetto. UGHHHH. She was just ugh...no other words to describe her. My time there was over all pretty good. i just didnt like the fact that he bought all that crap for her and couldnt buy me anything. I mean i got the tickets for me my bstf my god son and my brother...she was the fifth wheel. it was so much tension in the car that my bstf had to keep telling jokes. sighs*...man im getting to old to be getting on those rides...I was worn out after riding just TWO RIDES. anywayyy i need to get ready for bed i do have school tomorrow...and i have to get ready to talk on the phone for hours...so holla back.

Hmmm...

Listening To: Ruben Studdard- Ain't No Need To Worry
Mood: Relieved but a little on edge
Eatting: Im full now...

So its only the 8th but it feels like aprils about to be over already. I've been looking ahead in my plans and im pretty busy. sighs* .. i just want to enjoy my last year. I do have to admit, it did go pretty fast. Im just happy its friday now...im a little relieved, next week i plan on being on my P's and Q's so i can get to school on time and get things done. I dont want to fall behind. Even though i dont care to much about being in school at this time, i still want to be Validictiorian if possible. Lord knows my gpa has slipped alittle. Anyway i have this 10pg thesis paper due for me to present on the 18th. So im been on the ball lately trying to get that done, then i volunteered to do a project for the Liberal Arts Fair. I have to hold down my First place title. I put my heart in all of my projects...i think im going to do my project on the preperation of a senior getting ready for there next step in life. The pros and cons and what not. Anywaayyyy...umm im suppose to be going to the IX center tomorrow...which should be kinda fun..even though i dont need a break because ive been a little lazy. My mom and i have been on pretty good terms lately which is good. Im still looking for a dress for prom which is horrible because prom is May 7th and all the good stuff is probably already gone . I think i might be going by myself...as of now i really dont care about who im going with just as long as im there. I have hella stuff to do. Projects, babyshowers, prom, graduation...sighs*....and all this money i have to come up out my pockets for things i want. This is crazzzyyy.....and im enjoying everybit...lol

Its Been A While

Its been a very long March and Im very happy its april now . To give u a complete update of whats been going on with me for the whole month of March I'll just it has to do with me and dating on going out. I've started to explore my options again with the whole dating thing. It kinda started on a bad note because my x and i were starting to hook back up but sadly he did something stupid...well i did something stupid too...well were not together. Then weeks later I met this guy thats birthday is the day b4 mine. How cute...but what a terrible mix. Were clashing big time and its like he doesnt see it. Hes very clingy and right about now im about to go back to my original plan of being celibate until college and then start dating. I dont know...i have other options...like this other guy that im talking to...but i really just want to be friends and maybe progress into something more...but im not looking for more so i can see us being friends for a long time . But as far as this other guy...were just going to call him Jay...yea i also think hes gay...so thats another reason why i just need to let him go. I have this uneasiness about him like hes hiding something and keeping secrets. I just dont feel comfortable around him...anymorree i should say because in the begining...(lol..yea the begining its always like)..i felt like we were perfect together. I think things moved wwaayy to fast. I just want to goooo...just go to college and start over. Im just not good with relationships i guess. My bestfriend always tells me that i just havent met my match yet. And all this "drama" is really starting to effect my progress in my plans that i had made b4 these guys came along...Ive gotten pretty lazy and ive been on the phone way to much. Thats why i say im glad its April...its time for me to get back on track and possibly go back to my old ways. Ive had my one month of fun lol. Any way thats basically whats been up and oh yea..my whole job search thing. I starting to give up on that too. Know body wants me...i dont have much work experience and all the jobs i look at are professional type jobs. Im close to caving in to the whole fast food world. Any way im wraping this up...hopefully ill start back to blogging on a more daily basis...ta ta for now.