I HATE YELLING

I really do...i hate the fact that a simple conversation turns into such an ugly argument over absoulting nothing. She yells about every little thing and it makes me sick. Sometimes i just have to scream to let out all the angry thats inside me. I was sssoo happy for a while...like every since my birthday i was floating on this cloud. I was the happiest i had ever been in a long time. But now...its gone. She took it and i dont know when i get that way again. I cant stand her. Yes i cant stand my mom, i always wondered about the children that always said how they didnt like there mom or hated how they were treated but now i understand. I really hate this feeling. This un-trusting feeling. I want to grow up, im so fucking sick of her trying to hold my hand and look over my shoulder watching my every move. And now that im 18 its like i dotn even care. I finally feel a little free than what i use to. I just want a normal healthy life, with out the yelling and screaming. Its so many different ways that you can ask me to do things and i wish she would try and do that. I dont understand. I hate being unhappy and sad....and its even worse when its my mom that causes the pain that im feeling. I wish i could open up and tell her things, but she didnt raise me like that. I know her well enough to know that she will flip out if i told her certain things. Its so sad that my brother and I dred telling her any kind of news, good or bad. It doesnt matter because we get the same none supportive negative feedback everytime. You im suppose to be an Aunt in 4months and my brother still hasnt told her that shes going to be a grandmother. I can see myself doing the same thing if i was to get pregnant. Just not telling her, maybe even waiting years, moving away...far away to raise my child and still never tell her. I dont like negative people. And its so sad that my mom is a negative person.

Uh Oh

I havent been blogginnggg...as you can see. Well, ive been busy duh. lol. I have a job that im about to quit because i cant stand the smoking. It gets in my clothes and hair...which is ugh..and ive become addicted to the coffee there...and the pasteries. I can afford to gain any pounds with prom coming up so i need a job that doesnt offer those lovely treats. Any way...so since im going to be 18 in 5 days...yay...i can hopefully find a good job, paying atleast 7.50-9.00. I need anotha cell and i need to buy little things ya know.

In other news...jason..you know my "ex" is still tryin to get back with me. I mean its coo talking to him untill he starts talkin about the whole sex thing. sighs*...Man i cant wait for my birthday...I'll be sure to tell yall alll about it...but umm as you can see its alil late for me to be up...so im out